Search This Blog

Monday, November 03, 2008


So here is the review of Saw 4 in haiku


Jigsaw the hero

Only character I like

Can't beat pig juice death.


To explain, in Saw 4 we see more on what makes a Jigsaw, and it's the typical "life took a shit on me so I went ape shit" approach.


Poor sad Jigsaw.


I have a theory about life; it is the dump truck of shit theory. Here it goes:


There is this giant dump truck filled with shit that is always backing up to you. It is always approaching and once it gets to you, it lifts its cab and dumps hundreds of pounds of shit all over your head. This might happen when you're a baby or a senior, but it happens to us all, and it is the big sucky thing that all our other big sucky things are measured against and deemed "not as sucky". Before this big unloading of shit on top of your head happens, you know what you are and everything makes sense in the world. After this happens, nothing is absolute and you are just one more clueless asshole in a world of clueless assholes pretending not to have crap in their hair. 


Back to the review.


So like Mike Myers in the remake, it seems that people making horror films are not content just inventing an ultimate asshole. The asshole needs some missing Malibu Barbie in their past.


Freddy never even wanted a Malibu Barbie. He was just a prick.


Myers used to be just some evil vacuum; until a guy named Rob Zombie (ha) made him all sensitive.


So thus all the evil in the world can be fought with hugs.


That might be true, but it isn't scary.


How many adults walk around with the fear of evisceration?


Maybe I'm just afraid of indifference. but maybe indifference is freedom. Freedom from empathy. Sociopaths are some chilled out dudes.


One of my favorite films is Jacobs Ladder. A demon is an angel is a demon. Depends on your POV. All shot in SEXYVISION!


Befriending the abyss keeps ringing through my head.


But back to Saw 4.


Accept the fact that the series is the slasher film run through the Seven filter, and the Closer video, and that every horror film these days is painted the color of urine and feces with flickering florescent lights, make friends with that and we are getting down to the fact that these films are all about gears and hydraulics with police procedural ramblings interspersed.


The cop scenes ramble on and on, and they are funny in how familiar they all are. TJ Hooker Theater.


The torture scenes are nice and gory and edited by some coked out chimpanzee.


I love gore, I love good gore, bad gore, I love the prep, setup, and artistry it takes to show that kind of bodily dismorphia (hot word for an illiterate).


Saw 4 has the best autopsy ever. Made me barf.


I have no idea what the hell the plot is anymore. CONFUSING! The series has continued to double over and back and give itself its own reach around. They are really trying to be clever.


Is clever scary? Is all this labyrinthine plotting really giving teenagers nightmares?


Jason just would show up and kill people.


What this series has in common to all slashers is all the bad acting from everyone but the main killer.


Jason had a big head and was picked on. Watched his momma die. Poor Jason.


Hey! All the killers have the best lines, the motivation, become more layered and iconic with every episode. The dumbasses surrounding them never grow into anything more then stains on the rug.


Also it has the puerile self righteousness of sin = death that all slashers have. The dead had it coming. Death is the only real justice. Watch your ass kids, the older generation is watching and will wipe you out for indulging your youthful cravings. Tipper Blood'n'Gore. 


These are morality tales for kids so they won't go into the gingerbread house. All set to the hard rocking sounds of Mudvaine! (brought to you by Rice-A-Roni, the San Fran treat). Lectures from old rich people. 8 dollars please. Pass the collection plate.


I don't know what I'm talking about. The series jumped the shark with the moldy pig puree in three. That shit was so ridiculous and gross, the logistics of killing someone in that manor!?!? Stop the movie, we need to rethink our lives.


And this whole genre of post Silence of the Lambs "how fucked up can we make this guy" serial killer flicks jumped the shark with The Cell. I was watching Vincent D'Onofrio masturbating over the bleached victim while suspended by hooks in his back and wondering, "where can these things go from here and do I really want to know".


Saw 4, I enjoyed this movie more then I expected I would. I have written about it more then movies I love. But boredom. Yah know.


Props to the filmmakers for getting one of these out every year. It will be one of those nostalgic events that the IPOD geners will look back on remember fondly.


Blah blah, get it get it



No comments: