the word for the day is shake…
I felt myself hyper focus this morning to the point of absolute irrelevance, to the point English became a foreign language and people became abstractions, just dead objects in a room of dead objects, like a wax museum, so you can remove yourself from the moment, self trance yourself out of the now into like a hyper now, a microscopic ant point of view where everything is gigantic and alien. By why do that to yourself? For kicks.
… SHAKE! as in rattle, as in rattle the cages and tap on the glass. Agitate. Exacerbate. Take the snow globe and let it do what it is made to do….
No writers group tonight, need just to sit with the fam and seep like tea, leach out and leach in. The present moment gripped and grounded, put in the straggle hold and made to look and see and comment. All weekend running back and forth with no time to recharge, it was all spend spend, need to just be quiet in their presence and recenter. Can't perform tonight, my insides are too dry to give out. Refill and regas and regain human being feelings. All go and no look makes you lose all points of reference.
I get a lot more done as a sniper then a blind folded Tommy gun blazing jacked up lunatic. More seems to happen if I sit on top of the watchtower, patiently sit, think, watch, wonder, think some more, pee in a cup, and then pull the trigger once rather than rushing in with machine guns blazing with the concept of if I fire enough bullets, the goal will have to be hit, because everything is hit. But really, everything is destroyed. It looks like progress, but it is really just destruction. These two can be identical twins. But the concept is - anything too difficult is moving in the wrong direction. There should be the feeling of FATE! That this is where the river is taking you, and no matter how hard you back stroke, the river is going to win.
Now, I fought the river, I thought fighting the river was the whole point, wake up and lash out and do anything, ANYTHING but go with the current. Lots of wasted energy. I am here and now not because I crawled from the river and into the forest to light it on fire. I was taken to a better frame of mind by letting go of the sides. I was determined at one time to become the crazy hobo. I liked the soap box ranters and the tragic people who come undone and live in heaps of knotted twine. But that wasn't where the river was going so no matter how much I wished that for myself I never got there. I won't put this on my list of regrets. I saw enough of it to know the concept is better than the day to day drudgery of living as a schizophrenic butterfly chaser. Much better as a Halloween costume then a philosophy.
Having a two year old and a four year old is like juggling daggers, takes a moment to get the nerve just to start the daily circus, but once you get a rhythm, you only loose a finger now and then, Now add the holidays at families, with swimming pools, open pit barbeques, and people running full tilt boogie everywhere, plus (my b) feeding your kids cookies and chocolate and all sorts of mind altering desserts, now you are juggling chainsaws, blow torches, cacti, and dynamite. Yesterday was like walking into a puppet theater where all the puppets had cut their strings and started running mad hatter round and round. Those who have had small children sit with their mint juleps and cackle. It must be funny to see two grown adults lose their marbles! After two hours of fun in the sun, Steph and I were ready to proclaim Memorial Day closed for 2010. We dropped by my folks, the kids latched on them like barnacles and seeing the hollowed eyed zombie glares on our faces, they left Steph and I down stairs to sleep for an hour on the couches. Bless'm.
When did GA start selling fireworks? Reminds me of this dream (where are your eyes going) where this kid living behind me had sad mauled reconstructed hands from a bad fireworks accident. Stitched up palms with single fingers scratching at the air. He couldn't wait for the next 4th July!
Now, new draft of Dead Hooker Holocaust coming along, will prob post PDF of draft one, not worried about anyone reading it, as it is incomprehensible and if the film is completed would be a nice blog entry for myself to look back on. Also I am in the habit of posting everytime I blow my nose these days.
Tonight it is all about midgets, Steph is out meeting a possible connection for her hypno-biz, could be a steady job giving the whammy. Better living through whammy.
SD