Thursday, September 01, 2011

TEN: Final Destination 5 (2011)


  1. For starters, I love these FD movies. They are TERRIBLE, but I love them, ever last sucky, badly acted, underwritten, slapped together moment of them. Love them all. Why?
  2. Cause I am a closet neurotic. Sure I may seem cool and composed, but under this steely exterior is a stuttering jump cut, a paranoid shut in, a guy who wishes he could walk around in a suit of nerf and a gas mask, if ever leaving the house at all. Takes a lot of effort to appear so normal all day. Final Destination flicks are the movies going on in my head at any given minute.
  3. On to the movie. I usually will feel the ticket price was worth it if the opening credit sequence is worth a damn. I feel ripped off when they just say here’s the title, lets go. I need time. I need to talk and hug a bit. That’s just me. A good title sequence sets the mood, because we can’t have Robert Osborn at the beginning of everything, a shame, but a good title sequence is the next best thing. FD5 has a gaudy, bloody, smashy opening that does its damn job, does the trick, and is the most 3-Diry thingy thing ever. It’s comically 3Diry. Beats you in the head with 3D gimmickry, in a good gaudy circus way.  Take a vacation title sequence, you earned it.
  4. I missed part 4 in the theaters, didn’t see it in 3D and I hate 3D in 2D, what’s the point. So I had to see this crappy movie in the theater. 3D gore will get me into the theater (plus I had a left over movie cash card), plus it was right by ‘bucks, so the plan was to drink A LOT of espresso, get off work (I took the day off from job 2) drive to the Regal at Medlock, the best theater around, the red walls make you feel like you are in a body cavity, and then tweak as holographic heads fly at me. Call me DR. PARTY.
  5. The people in this movie are vacant black holes that have no discernable traits or characteristics. They should have all been mimes. That actually would have made this the best movie ever. Final Destination 6 should all be mimes. There is one guy doing a crazy Tom Cruise impression. And a jerky boss. And a nice guy, a black guy, a slut, a nice girl, and a nerd. Do we really need to care about them? This would all be too painful if we actually cared. This is a part 5 in a nu-slasher series. It’s not exactly swinging for the fences in the character department. At least they all had jobs. I can’t watch spring break movies, where they are loading up for a road trip. I turn those off before they stop at the creepy gas station. It’s all the hair gel. Punk ass kids. Nightmares.
  6. These movies bring out a really gut wrenching panic in me. I think they are very suspenseful. And this one follows the formula, and I know I’m being played, but they just work on me. Everytime. I like how these movies are all about the set pieces. They are these wonderful little morbid mini movies inside the movie, very storyboarded and the rhythms and the misdirection, almost like perfect silent cinema, pure visual storytelling, and they end in the most terrible of ways. I WOULD LOVE to see BRIAN DEPALMA direct one of these. Or Chuck Jones RIP. I leave these movies pressed against the wall and tiptoeing out to the car, my stomach a knot.
  7. Want to get Lasik eye surgery? Probably should skip this movie until after. Eyeballs make me queasy. Eyelids make me queasy. There was a kid in 2nd grade that could flip his lids inside out. He sat behind me and would tap on my shoulder and when I turned around WAM! His lids where flipped up and I would gag and freak. This scene, and really the whole movie is like this.
  8. If you are a gymnast, don’t see this movie. It’s terrible. Go do something noble instead, go win some gold for the USA. Do anything, just don’t see this movie.
  9. Tony Todd does his walk on in this, he’s always great, CANDYMAN chop you up and steal your lady son!
  10. The flip flop ending was really fun. It’s kinda like The Village, but not as Adrian Brodey-iry.  Made me feel too old to be watching this thing.

BONUS – This movie was terrible and made me sick to my stomach. I hated every minute of it and I hate 3D movies, I never know what I’m supposed to be looking at? SO! I can’t wait for FD63D!! Buh-rang it! No seriously. Do bring it wont you?
BONUS BONUS!!! – When I took my little brothers to see FD2 in 2D, they both walked out. They sharith not my lust for Karo Syrup. They’d much rather read a 1000 pg book about the collapse of Rome or the Bronze age. Put me in the room with my brothers, and I am the Donnie every time, out of my element and gasping for air. 
BONUS x 3 – Opening bridge collapse, really cool, but you know what, 9/11 did change my brain, and it doesn’t seem as ho ho ho anymore. The world is a bad horror movie nowadays.

1 comment:

Kevin Powers said...

I can agree with you on most parts. I've only ever seen the first film more than once but I had to see this one in 3-D because, I hate to say this, horror films KNOW hoe to make a 3-D film worth watching (the recent FRIGHT NIGHT remake is an exception) and I'll continue going to see them that way for years to come. I'll be the first one in line for PIRANHA 3DD later this year just so I can see the carnage candy in 3DD!