The Unluckies - a short screenplay

INT. BEDROOM - MORNING

A middle-aged man, TONY, wakes up in his bedroom to the sound of his alarm clock. The clock sounds like an electric chicken. Tony hits the alarm and gets out of bed. He is dressed in the same crumpled blue jeans and black shirt from the previous day. His face has several days of beard smacked on it.

BATHROOM

Tony looks at himself in the mirror

TONY
Hi there, handsome.

Tony takes the mouthwash and gives his mouth a quick swish. Immediately, pain hits his face. Tony spits. In the sink, ribbons of red blood mixed with the icy blue foam from the mouthwash.

Tony opens wide and looks deeply into the mirror, into his mouth, and sees nothing strange. He closes his mouth and pokes around with his tongue and gets the sudden shooting pain again.

INSIDE MOUTH

His tongue sliding over his dull yellow enamel, until, bingo, a soar deep in the back, under the last molar. The tongue touches the soar and

TONY

winces in pain.

KITCHEN

Tony has taken all the medicine out of a cabinet. They are laid out in a row as he searches, and in the process, organizes the endless bottles and boxes. Aspirin, antihistamines, Tums. On and on the colorful packages stretch. Finally, at the very back of the cabinet, his hands find a small tube of Orajel.

The tube used to be white, but over the many, many years, lost it in the back of the cabinet, it has turned gray and dingey. Tony looks at the expiration date, 4/3/1977, Are you kidding?

TONY
I was two.

Tony’s tongue finds the soar again and he winces.

The lid is unscrewed and a dab of greasy gel is squeezed onto his finger, the finger into the mouth, the gell smeared on the soar and…

IN THE SOAR

chemical reactions, the gell in the blood, the blood transformed, the blood in the body, through the heart, to the brain.

KITCHEN

Tony takes a deep breath

VOICE (off-screen)
Pass the bacon!

and looks over at the kitchen table. He hadn’t said anything. No one was home but him. At least not until five seconds ago.

Now, sitting at his kitchen table, eating a hearty breakfast of eggs bacon, grits, and toast, are FIVE LITTLE GREEN MEN. Elvish, or gnomish, or impish, whatever you prefer. They all have green glittery skin and they all are wearing technologically advanced suits that have dials and displays and tubes running in and out of multiple sockets. They are all male, all middle-aged, like him, all pretty much identical, like worker bees.

LEAD IMP
Let’s go over the schedule.

HUNGRY IMP
Please pass the bacon

LEAD IMP
9 am

ALL IMPS

Hide his keys

LEAD IMP
10 am

ALL IMPS

Flatten his tires.

LEAD IMP
11 am

ALL IMPS

Text his boss, calling him an asshole

LEAD IMP
12 pm

ALL IMPS

Lunch

LEAD IMP
Where?

HUNGRY IMP

Chinese?

GRUMPY IMP

Again.

HUNGRY IMP

BBQ?

AGREEABLE IMP

I could do BBQ.

LEAD IMP
BBQ it is. 1 pm.

ALL IMPS

Delete his hard drive

LEAD IMP
2 pm

ALL IMPS
Reflatten his tires.

LEAD IMP
3pm

TONY
Hey! 

The table of imps freeze, some with half-chewed food in their mouths, one in mid-reach for more toast.

TONY

What are you guys doing in my house?

NERVOUS IMP (whispering)

He couldn’t, right?

LEAD IMP

Nah, he ain’t talking to us.

TONY
I’m talking to you! What the hell are you little freaks doing in my kitchen!?

HUNGRY IMP

He sees us.

NERVOUS IMP
Oh my god.

AGREEABLE IMP

What do we do?

HUNGRY IMP
You should say something.

NERVOUS IMP
We should run.

LEAD IMP

That’s it.

AGREEABLE IMP

Yes! 

LEAD IMP

Run!

ALL IMPS

Run!

The imps jump from the table.

Tony runs after them, but they scatter. He catches the Lead Imp and lifts into the air, facing him.

TONY

Who are you? How did you get...

Lead Imp hits a button on his wrist. A MECHANICAL ARM deploys from a little box mounted on his shoulder.

TONY
... in my...

The mechanical arm pokes Tony with a taser and knocks him to the floor. 

Lead Imp crashes on top of Tony and grabs him by the collar. Tony is completely paralyzed, his face frozen in terror.

LEAD IMP
Who you calling freak, freak? He’s down guys! Regroup to Alpha. Mission aborted.

NERVOUS IMP
Mission aborted? Thank god!

LEAD IMP (to Tony)
You are going to forget everything you’ve seen here today. Got it?

Tony groans, it is all he can do.

LEAD IMP
Or better yet, tell everyone. You’ll be in the loony bin by Friday. Hahaha.

The other imps gather\ around. Agreeable Imp speaks into a radio mounted on his wrist.

AGREEABLE IMP
Mission control, we need a teleport to Alpha ASAP. Mission Aborted. Target acquired insight.

LEAD IMP

Don’t tell them that.

AGREEABLE IMP

They’re going to want to know.

NERVOUS IMP

So much paperwork.

LEAD IMP

I’m not going under the bus for this one.

HUNGRY IMP

Me neither.

LEAD IMP

None of us are. Cool it.
(to Tony)

You are going back to sleep. And when you wake up, this will all have, obviously, been a dream. You‘ll call your boss, tell him you overslept, and get back to your crappy little life.

Tony’s face is frozen. He whimpers, his mouth hanging open.

LEAD IMP

Oh, that reminds me.

The Lead Imp reaches into Tony's mouth, and from under the back molar, embedded in the soar, he pulls a long silver needle with a cobalt blue light on the end.

He shakes the spit off and places the needle in a small metal tin with dozens of other similar needles.

Tony's eyes show all the shock and horror that his mouth won't allow him to say.

FRONT DOOR FOYER

HUNGRY IMP
Get back, everybody!

Time and space rip open into a swirling vortex. Wind and lighting rage, sending everything that's not bolted down flying through the air as if an indoor hurricane had erupted.

Tony, mind snapping, screams and screams as one imp after another leap into the vortex and disappear. The Lead Imp pauses and turns to him.

LEAD IMP

Take it easy Tony, we'll be seeing ya, but you won't be seeing us!

He takes out a ray gun and shoots Tony with a bolt of energy.

Tony is out, and Lead Imp jumps into the vortex. Flash! The vortex is gone. The house is a silent wreck. Papers drift to the ground and are still.

Time passes.

Tony sleeps

More time passes

He awakens and lurches back to the

KITCHEN

The microwave clock says it is 6 pm.

He grabs his phone and dials.

CUT TO BLACK

Voice track over the credits.

Steve the Boss

Hello

TONY

Steve, it’s Tony.

Steve
Tony? Jesus man, we called you 100 times. Where have you been?

TONY
I was... I overslept

Steve
Overslept? Dude, it's 6 PM

TONY
Yeah, it’s late. I think I must be sick.

Steve
Too sick to answer your phone?

TONY
Um maybe. I may be really sick.

Steve
Well, today really sucked because of you.

TONY
I don’t know what happened.

Steve
Barbara had to come in, and you know she wasn’t happy about that.

TONY

Oh Jesus, I’m so sorry.

Steve

So if you want to keep your job you better say something incredible. I hate to put it that way, but this has become a real pattern for you.

TONY

I know.  My keys, my wallet, They keep getting...

Steve

I've heard it all. You are a broken record. I mean, once, twice, sure. But you are a mess, Tony.

TONY

I’m a mess, yeah, a mess. But I think I got it figured out. I think I know what’s been happening to me.

Steve

Oh yeah,, what. What's been happening?

TONY

I, well, you ever seen Time Bandits?

END





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